The J Files
by Elanor The Frozen Rose
Summary: Edward finds himself in this game show, called the J files. But he is only our first contestant, for ep1, Edward vs. Jaguar. And then there are all these buttons, which Sierra has, that do terrible things to him, And the hostess Serenity. Enjoy! Twoshot!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: We do not own FMA, nor anything else mentioned in this story, except for Serenity and Sierra, and Jaguar and Christopher...and anything else you've never heard before... And we don't own the Batman Theme Song either...

Author comments:  
"Hi we are new here." Sierra said.  
"Sort of", Serenity said..  
"And we are sisters."   
"Sort of," Serenity said again.  
"And no we aren't a muslim members of some freaky cult... We are American Christians. And We are Pro Bush!" Sierra said.  
"Actually I hate politics." Serenity said.  
"Anyways...Enjoy!!..." Sierra said.  
"Wait shouldn't we tell them what the story is about?" Serenity asked.  
"We already kinda did in the disclaimer. Abot FMA, a Jaguar, Batman theme song, our readers can use their imagination." Sierra said.  
"Hey guys!" Jaguar said popping out of nowhere, "It's time for the show!"   
"Okay here it is!" Sierra said.   
"Sort of." Serenity said.

J Files

Chapter One Edward vs. Jaguar

Edward was standing in the dark. "Where the Heck am I?" He heard an evil laugh in the back ground. He looked around, "What the world was that?" he asked the darkness. Suddenly a bright blinding light turned on. And another evil laugh was heard. Edward another laugh it was cheerful and bubbly but some how very creepy.

"Hey look its Edward!" Sierra said.

"Well duh! He is the first contestant in..."

All the lights turned on. Edward saw that he was a large stadium like room.

"Edward vs. Jaguar!"

Edward rubbed his eyes, as they focused in on the room, or rather a stadium...And there was an audience and a bunch of people Edward didn't know. Then his eyes got big as he saw a bunch of people he did know...Like; Winry, who was holding large florescent cue cards with stuff written in orange. Al was there too, and people like the homunculi...

"What's going on?" Edward asked.

Then he saw a girl with long brown curly hair she wore strange clothing and had a microphone in her hand.

"Hi Edward!" Another girl said from behind the first girl, she had straight long dark metallic brown hair, she was the same height as the other girl with the curly hair.

"Who are you?" Edward asked.

"My name is Sierra! This is my twin sister Serenity!"

Sierra said looking very hyper, either that or one of those ditz blonde girls...

"Where the heck am I?" He asked again.

"You're the first contents on Jaguar Files!" batman theme song in the background

Edward looked around, "Where's that music coming from?" He asked. Serenity ignored his question and said something else...

"Alright the rules of the games are, me and Sierra make up the rules of the game along the way."

"It's 'Sierra and I." Said Sierra.

Serenity turned around.

"What?"

"You said it wrong, it's not 'me and Sierra' Sierra and I.'"

"I'll say it the way I want to, because I'm cool like that! And also because I'm the hostess."

"I'm the hostess too."

"No, you're more like the hostess's sidekick."

"Darn, I'll get my revenge someday."

"Yeah right."

"What are you doing?" Ed asked. He was just standing there, staring.

"Yeah okay back to the show, of which I am hostess!" Serenity said.

"And don't the forget sidekick, Me!" Sierra said. Serenity ignored her and continued her hostess job. "Stage one we put Ed in a cage!" She said. Serenity and Sierra move away to the side of the stage.

"Hey what do you mean a cage?" Ed asked. But Serenity didn't answer.

Then a giant cage fell from the heavens and he was trapped.

"That cage." Sierra said.

"That's no problem of mine!" Ed said, clapping his hands together.

Electric blue light appeared then fizzled out. Ed clapped his hands Again, but nothing happened.

"Hey what's going on?" Ed asked himself.

"You are in our game show, meaning we make up the rules."

"We're also the authors."

"Sierra, shhhh!" Serenity hissed at her.

"Oh right, no ones supposed to know about that, gomen onesan."

"Daijobu. Ano, dane wo Nihonjin buton tsukeru desu ka?"

"O gomen, watashi wa desu." A click sound was heard, "Sorry I leaned onto The Speak Japanese Button." Sierra apologized

"Again?" Serenity asked. "So what did I say anyways?"

"You said 'its okay, um, who turned on the Japanese button?'"

"Oh, okay."

"Will you guys stop chattering in Japanese, and tell me what happened to my alchemy?!" Edward yelled at them.

"Oh I forgot he was here." Serenity said.

"How could you forget? I thought you were in love with him?" Sierra asked.

"Shhhhh!" Serenity shushed Sierra.

Edward blushed when he heard that. Serenity cleared her throat, then spoke

"Okay, now release the Jaguar."

"Jaguar? What? Hey what about my alchemy?" Edward asked.

"See this button?" Sierra pointed to a great big florescent pink button. Edward nodded his head.

"It's an alchemy on and off button."

"What?!"

But at that moment a section of the floor rose up, it opened kind of like into a cave like thing. Smoke poured out, and pale blue cat eyes glared out.

"What the?!" Ed asked freaking out.

The jaguar pounced out, and landed on Edward's shoulders, flattening him, just like Alexander would.

"I'm your biggest fan." The Jaguar said in a high pitched voice.

"You can talk?" Edward asked.

"Of course she can talk!" Sierra said.

"No! I'm your biggest fan!" Serenity yelled, shaking the bars.

"NO! I am, I am!"

A large random crowd of rabid fangirls descended from the audience. They shook the cage screaming,

"I'm his biggest fan, No I am!!!"

"Um, guys we need to do the show." Sierra said.

But everyone ignored her. So she pushed a random white button. POOF! All the fangirls turned into little pink, purple and white fluffy little bunnies. They hopped away, frightened of the loudness the audience caused.

"Can I be human now?" A little blue and purple bunny asked with a high pitched voice.

"Oh, sorry Serenity, I forgot you were turned into a bunny too."

Sierra clicked the button again. POOF! And Serenity turned back to human...Well almost.

"Sierra, get rid of the bunny ears and tail." She told Sierra.

Serenity still had her Blue and purple bunny ears and tail.

"Right!" Sierra pushed the button again. POOF! This time Serenity was back to normal, well as normal as she gets.

"Now! back to the show!" She said into her microphone. "Jaguar! attack!"

"That was just strange..." Edward said.

"Yeah, human fangirls are just weird." Jaguar told Edward.

"And so are you." He replied.

"What did you say?" Jaguar asked offended.

"Um-" Edward started, but was interrupted by Serenity.

"I said, JAGUAR ATTACK!!!" Serenity yelled.

"Okay okay." Jaguar said.

Jaguar climbed off Ed, for she was still on him from when she first pounced on him.

"Cue; Jaguar growls." Serenity pointed to Sierra. Sierra held up over her head, a big cue card that was black with silver writting on it.

"I said, Cue; Jaguar growls!" Serenity said again.

Jaguar looked up, the cue card read on it "Jaguar growls".

"GGGRRROOOWWWLLL!!!" Jaguar growled really loud, shaking the cage.

"How was that?" She asked.

"Never mind, will you just get on with it?!" Serenity asked impatiently.

"That was a really good growl!" Sierra said with her thumbs up.

But she forgot that she was holding the cue card and so it fell onto her head, knocking her out.

"Sierra?" Serenity asked, but no answer came.

"Oh well, For the last time! JAGUAR ATTA-!" But Serenity was interrupted bye Christopher the director.

"Wait one moment." Christopher said.

He bent over next to Sierra and whispered something in her ear, then he left…

"Christopher says it's time for the commercial break." She said standing up, a big normal bandaid on her head.

"No commercial breaks!" Serenity yelled.

"Come on Serenity, It'll be fun!" Sierra said, still hyper even though she hit her head on the floor.

"Oh alright! Then Jaguar will attack!" Serenity said.

"We'll be write back after these pointless little messages that would mak life a happier place if they just imploded." Sierra said.

The audience applauded, then it went to the first commercial...


	2. Edward vs Jaguar, for real

* * *

Chapter 2 Edward, the first contestant vs. Jaguar, the Jaguar, for real, this time 

"What was the point of that?! There weren't any commercials!" Serenity, the Hostess asked...

Christopher, The Director, came over and said, "Cut, you're not supposed to say that, you are supposed to read the cue cards."

"I can't read that! How am I supposed to read florescent orange on florescent yellow?!" 

Christopher, the Director, said, "Alright back to the Show!". 

"Okay!" said Serenity, the Hostess. "Welcome back from our commercial break even though there weren't any commercials."

Christopher, the Director, cleared his throat in the background.

"Heh heh." Serenity, the Hostess, laughed nervously.

"Serenity," Sierra, the Hostess's sidekick, whined, "I can't get the band aid out!" Sierra, the hostess's sidekick, said, tugging on the bandaid.

* * *

(Serenity: "Alright that's it, Sierra turn off the Introduce Character After Saying Everyone's Name Button!)(Sierra: But it's so much fun")(Serenity: . )(Sierra: o.o)(Sierra turns button off...)

* * *

"What?"

"I can't get it out." She said, tugging on the bandaid. 

"Here I'll get it out." Serenity said. She leaned over bye Sierra, and grabbed the bandaid and ripped it out. 

"ITAI!!!! ITAI!!!!!" Sierra cried. 

"Can't you say ouch in English?" Serenity asked,obviously not noticing how much pain she just caused her sister... 

"AAAHHH!!!!" Sierra screamed, this time in terror, not in pain. 

"What did I do?"

"My hair!!! You ripped out my hair!" Sierra yelled, then fell to the ground. "Oh the Heat!"

Sirens sounded in the background. An escort of an aligion of sporks came in. Lucian, was in the middle of them with a boom box 

strapped to his waste, and white jacket on. "The medical team has arrived! The DJ/Doctor has also arrived!" Lucian said. 

"What about our music?"

"What music? I only played one song..."

Lucian and his team of sporkses put Sierra on a stretcher, and took her away. 

"Hey what happened to Sierra?" Christopher asked. 

"She just a little accident, which I had nothing to do with."

* * *

During all this Ed and Jaguar are having coffee together, and are talking over their problems.

"I have confession," Edward told her, "I am afraid of milk." 

"That's okay, Edward, I too hae a confession," She paused a minute, "I am Lacktose intolerent." She paused again and said, "And also, I put milk in your coffee, I'm sorryv, I just didn't know." 

"And you claim to be my biggest fan..." Edward said, then he fell over.

* * *

Continuing with that part of the story

"Didn't you see what happened?" Serenity asked.

"No," Christopher said, he looked guilty... "I had to visit the little Alpha Male wolf's room."

"What?!" Serenity asked confused.

"I'm your sister's boyfriend, and you didn't even know I could turn into a wolf? That's just sad..."

"Yeah well that doesn't mean I have to acknowledge you." 

"Meeeooowww" A cat's meow was heard.

"Sierra did you smuggle a cat in agian?" Serenity asked Sierra, even though she wasn't there. "Oh that's right, your not here..." 

"Al? Where is it?" Edward asked joining the conversation. Al sat in the front row seats next to Winry. 

"Where's what brother?" Al asked, playing dumb. But it did no good. Al's head fell to the ground and a miniture Jaguar leaped from Al's armor.

"Nekototo! What ever are you doing here?" Jaguar asked.

"I want to be in the show too!"

"Did someone press the speak Japanese button again?" Serenity asked.

"No." Jaguar said, "That's just my Little brother's name."

"Oh, oookaaay."

"Hey let's sing!" Nekototo said.

"That's not in the script." Christopher said.

"Yeah, but niether was a bunch of other stuff that happened to far." Jaguar said.

"I like cute cats and I cannot lie!" Nekototo started to sing. Then Serenity joined in. Within 5 minutes everybody, including the audience was singing along. 

"What are you all doing?" Sierra asked returning from the...medical place, or whatever you want to call it. 

"What's that?" Nekototo asked. 

"What's what?" Sierra asked. 

"That green thing?" Serenity asked pointing to Sierra's head. 

"Oh, that's just my wig, because you ripped out so much hair. I would look just silly without a wig."

Serenity smirked. Sierra already looked riduculus. She was wearing a green afro wig, with pig tails that hung out the sides of her head.  
Suddenly the screen went black. All the lights went out, it was totally dark, except for a strange florescent green light, and an electic blue light. 

"Why is your head glowing?" Serenity asked.

"My wig glows in the dark."

"What are those long blue light things?" Serenity asked. 

"My pig tails?" 

"You mean pony tails?" Christopher asked. 

"I guess..." 

"Why are your pony tails glowing blue?" Serenity asked. "They change color according to my mood."

"Which means they will stay the same the whole time?"

"No, I express more than just one feeling..." Sierra said. 

"Sure...So what happened to the lights?" Serenity asked. 

Then everyone heard an evil laugh. 

"This is somehow familiar..." Serenity said. 

Then another evil laugh was heard. Suddenly a bright blinding light turned on. And another evil laugh was heard. They, then again, heard another laugh it was cheerful and bubbly but some how very creepy. 

"Hey look it's Edward!" A secound Sierra said. 

"Well duh! He is the first contestant in..." All the lights turned on. "Edward vs. Jaguar!"

"Wait a minute..." Serenity said... "We already did this!"

Then she saw that there was a double of everyone in the room. Two Eds', two Jaguars, two everybody. 

"Who are you?" Serenity asked her double. 

"My name is Serenity, and I am the Hostess for..." Serenity's double paused a moment then said, "Edward vs. Jaguar!"

"Hi Sierra, my name is Sierra!" Sierra said to her double. 

"Hi Sierra, my name is Sierra!" Sierra's double told Sierra. "Hey Sierra, wanna be friends?" Sierra asked her double.

"Yes, Sierra I think we should!"

"Where the heck am I?" asked Edward's double.

"See those two, I mean 4 girls?" Edward asked his double.

"Yes..."

"Well they seem to be hosting this game show, which we are in, and they are going to do a bunch of terrible stuff to us..." Edward told his double.

"Oh, okay...So who are you?"

"I'm Edward..." Edward told his double. 

"But I'm Edward." Edward's double said. 

"OKAY THATS ENOUGH!!!!" The first Serenity screamed. "Sierra, what did you do?" 

"Nothing...I think..." the first Sierra said. Then she looked at a button... "Hey, what does this button do?" She pushed. 

"NO NOT THAT BUTTON!" both Serenitys' yelled at the same time, alas they were too late... 

Everything went dark...again.. "Where the Heck am I?" Everyone heared again. Then everybody heard an evil laugh. "What the world was that?" another Ed asked the darkness, agian. Suddenly a bright blinding light turned on. And another evil laugh was heard. They, then again, heard another laugh it was cheerful and bubbly but some how very creepy. 

"Hey look it's Edward!" The third Sierra said. 

"Well duh! He is the first contestant in..." All the lights turned on. "Edward vs. Jaguar!" Another Serenity said... 

"Who are you?" The third Serenity asked the first and secound Serenitys'. 

"My name is Serenity, and I am the Hostess for..." The secound Serenity said, paused a moment then said, "Edward vs. Jaguar!"

"Hi Sierra, my name is Sierra!" the third Sierra said to the 1st and secound Sierras'.

"Hi Sierra, my name is Sierra!" The first and secound Sierra said to the third. 

"Hey Sierras', wanna be friends?" the third Sierra asked the first and secound Sierras'. 

"Yes, Sierra I think we should!" The first and secound Sierra said. 

"Where the heck am I?" asked the third Edward. 

"See those 4, I mean 6 girls?" the first Edward asked the third Edward. 

"Yes..." he nodded his head. 

"Well they seem to be hosting this game show, which we are in, and they are going to do a bunch of terrible stuff to us..." Edward told the third Edward. 

"Oh, okay...So who are you two guys?" the third Edward asked.

"I'm Edward, and this is Edward..." Edward told the third Edward. 

"But I'm Edward." Edward's triple said. 

"OKAY THATS ENOUGH!!!!" The first and Secound Serenity screamed. "Sierra, whatever you do, do not push that button again!!! And if you do I'll strangle all three of you"

"Hey, what does this button do?" the third Sierra asked. But before she could press it all the Serenitys' takled her. The first Serenity scrambled out of the pile and hit the "undo" button. All the third peoples' vanished. She pressed it again, and everyone's double vanished.

* * *

"Yay! This chapter's over!" Sierra said. 

"How much longer do I have to sit in this cage?" Edward asked. 

"This is very contridictory to the chapter's title." Serenity said. 

"Hey! Let's bring out the four year olds!" Sierra said. 

"Oh gosh no... Okay, only if it will finish up the chapter." 

"Okay!" Sierra said. 

Then a bunch of little Japanese four year olds came out. And they started to sing. Japanese version of If you're happy and you know it...

"Shiawase nara te wo tatako! clap clap  
Shiawase nara te wo tatako! clap clap  
Shiawase nara taido de shimasoyo,  
Shiawase nara te wo tatako!" clap clap

When they finished they left the stage...

"What did they say?" Serenity asked Sierra "They sang if you're happy and you know clap your hands, In japanese!" Sierra said. "Didn't you recognize the tune?" 

"They're four year olds, four year olds can't carry a tune!"

"Oh gosh...I can't take anymore of this randomness...I'm going on my coffee break, see you all tomorrow." Christopher said.  
"Bu bai!" Sierra said. She waved to everyone as they left. And soon all the lights went out, and she was standing in the dark... 

"Christopher?" 

"Sierra? Oh come on you!" Christopher said. He picked her up and through her over his shoulder and left the dark building...

* * *

Okay finally chapter 2, Serenity is currently sleeping, so I hoped you enjoyed chapter 2... Chapter 3 will be out as soon as we type it...Please read and review! Thanx!

Please read and review...(That's what we are most anxious for) Sorry for taking so long getting it out...we had technical difficultes...but we shouldn't have anymore...hopefully...


End file.
